Waiting
by tracyh
Summary: James waits for Lily at the church on their wedding day. He talks to her in his head, remembering how they got together and his feelings for her.


**Waiting**

Disclaimer: Nope, Harry Potter still belongs to JK. Nice of her to lend James and Lily to me though…and maybe Sirius too, sort of.

A/N This is basically a story from James point of view on his wedding day. He's waiting at the church for Lily. All the words are his thoughts. It's as if he's talking to her in his head. Probably mindless fluff, but with some humour (at least a teenage boy might think its funny) and maybe a bit of angst thrown in. This one practically wrote itself and at the risk of showing off, I love it to death! Please, read and review.

My Lily. Hang on a minute; I need to say that again. _My_ Lily. Okay, to be truthful, you're only partly mine now, but before the day is through you'll be completely, totally, one hundred and ten percent _mine_. How is that great change to come I hear you ask? Well now, I'll tell you. Today my love is the day you make me the happiest man on earth. After today I get to love you, care for you, look after you, tease you, fight with you and best of all, make up with you, forever and ever and ever and….or at least until the day you work out that I'm completely unworthy of you and you run off with Moony. Naturally I'll run after you….after I've broken Moony's legs. What was that? I can't break Moony's legs? I bet you I can, especially if he runs off with my wife!

My _wife_! Yes, I suppose it's true. Today is our wedding day, so it naturally follows that soon you'll be my wife. Forever and ever and ever and ever and….what do you mean, I'm _labouring_ the point? What, too many 'forever's'? Okay, what about for all eternity? Into infinity? Indefinitely? Ad finitum? See, Moony isn't the only one who knows a lot of words.

Actually I've never understood why you think Moony has a 'fuller vocabulary' than me. I'll have you know Lily Evans-soon to be Lily Potter (pausing to swoon love); I know the meanings of loads of words Moony has never even heard of. The fact that they're all swear words is neither here nor there…..

Moony never could grasp the pleasure of a good swear. Honestly, if he'd ever said 'fart' the world would have come to an end. Moony never farted, he always 'broke wind'. Sirius, on the other hand, would let rip. He never made a sound; no one could ever accuse Padfoot of being a noisy farter. No, he would wait until we were all dozing off in the dorm at night and then he would let it all out. A smell that would kill if you got too close. Remember that time in the fourth year when they had to evacuate the school because they thought Voldemort had managed to let off poisonous gas into the building? I think it's time to confess that on that occasion the source of the terrible odour wasn't He Who Must Not Be Named, but He Who Must Not Be Stood Down Wind Of After A Meal. None other than Sirius Black. Do you still want him as Godfather to our future offspring? What do you mean 'what offspring?' Oh, and maybe you're right, discussing farting in church isn't really appropriate, sorry love!

Speaking of Sirius, he keeps nudging me. I think he's trying to stop me getting nervous. The funny thing is I've never been more calm about anything in my life. I'm standing here in church waiting for the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me and I _know_ it's right. The only thing that scares me is you. What if you change your mind? What if you decide that I'll never be good enough for you? What if you decide that you just can't live with a man who has such stupid hair? Is it my fault my hair won't lie flat! Well, is it! Oh God, now I am nervous! Come on Potter, damn it, breathe! Come on, you can do it, take deep, calm breaths. I can't! I'm dying…can't breathe…can't breathe! Wait a minute, someone's holding my hand. Maybe it's you. OH MY GOD, IT'S SIRIUS! GET OFF ME YOU PERVERT!

There, that's better. I'm calm. I'm calm and cool and waiting for you love. Are you late? No, Sirius says you're not late. I should have known. Lily Evans is never late. Sirius says we got here an hour early. An hour? Well I couldn't wait could I? I waited for you for nearly seven years and now that I've got you I want to get on with it….and I didn't mean I want to get on with _that_ either. Mind you, that isn't a bad thought…yes, I know. I'm in church and I shouldn't be thinking about sex when I'm in church. Can I think about it later? What do you mean 'no!' Oh, I get it! You don't want to think about it, you want to…Lily really, you're corrupting an innocent boy! Don't let that put you off though, just promise you'll be gentle with me!

Your mother keeps looking over and smiling at me. Does she always cry when she smiles? Oh hang on, she's sitting next to Vernon Dursley. That would make anyone cry. Petunia keeps cutting me daggers. I don't care. Horse-faced bitch! You're quite right love, that isn't fair. It's an insult to horses and female dogs. Honestly, I know she's your sister, but ugh! Are you sure you weren't adopted? Genes are funny things. You got the looks and the brains and Petunia got…Vernon Dursley! There is a God! You have to admit, Vermin and Petty (good names, don't you think?) are suited. They are both vile and the resemblance they both have to livestock is uncanny!

Dumbledore is winking at me. God he's so smug! I reckon the soppy old sod only made us Heads in the 7th year so he could push us together. Not that _I_ needed much pushing. It was you who needed the push. Funny how it happened in the end…..without any help from anyone….not that Dumbledore needs to know, eh?...

During the sixth year you and I seemed to get on a bit better, or rather, you put up with my lunacy better than you had before. We even managed to laugh and joke with each other a bit. To call us friends would have been over the top, but we got on. I suppose we called a truce. I stopped following you around and you stopped yelling at me. We were able to have proper conversations. I still wanted you, but I managed to push the feelings away. Just being able to pass the time of day with you seemed enough…for a while. As ever, it was me who ruined it.

Towards the end of the year you and I had a blazing row. Do you remember? The stupid thing is I can't even remember what we were fighting over. All I know is that we were in the Gryffindor Common Room screaming blue murder at each other. We'd argued before, but this, well, this was something else. I still wish I could take back what I called you. Oh, I know, as soon as we'd sorted the whole bloody mess out you said it didn't matter, but it did. I swear love, I will never, ever, call you that again. My only saving grace is that it wasn't M….you know, that other vile thing. I would _never_ call you _that_, no matter how angry I was….

I've just remembered what we were fighting over. I was jealous because I thought you were seeing someone else…er, I mean, someone that wasn't me. I keep forgetting, you weren't really mine then, it just felt like you were. Wasn't it one of the Prewetts? Either way, I lost it. I'd been trying for years to get you to go out with me and there was Prewett messing about with _my_ girl! At least I _thought_ he was. You'd known him for ages, we both had, but suddenly you stopped spending time with me. You seemed to be with him all the time, like you were practically joined at the hip. Then the final straw was that day…..

I'd had Quidditch practice and the team had been hopeless, so I went to the Common Room in a mood. When I got there you were there with Prewett. You were laughing at something he'd obviously just said. Just the way your eyes were shining at him when you laughed made me want to hex him there and then, but then, as he got up to leave the room he pushed a strand of your hair behind your ear. I think my blood pressure must have fried my brain because the next thing I knew Prewett was flat on his back on the floor. You were screaming and I was standing over Prewett pointing my wand in his face…..

You know, I could say that I didn't know what I was doing, but I did. I knew then that I could easily kill him. I realised in that mad, stupid moment that I would kill anyone who ever took you away from me. The only thing that stopped me that day was you. I suddenly heard you crying, begging me to let Prewett up. The thought that I'd made you cry stamped out my temper. I dropped my wand and Prewett was up and out of the Common Room so fast you'd have thought Voldemort himself was after him.

When Prewett was gone we stood staring at one another for ages. I should have seen what happened next coming, but I was too stupid. If after that, you'd never so much as looked at me again it would have been my fault. Your eyes flashed at me. I should have known I'd made you angry. I should have got out of there right after Prewett, but no! James Potter had to push his luck! Stupid idiot! That flash of your eyes and the look on your face, the look that told me better than any words that I was a fool and you hated me got me going again. I couldn't see why you didn't understand my feelings. I didn't know why you couldn't take in that the sight of Prewett laughing and joking with _my_ girl made me want to tear him limb from limb. I didn't realise then, you didn't know how much I love you. How much I've _always_ loved you. All I could see in my head was you, laughing and fooling around with a man who wasn't me. I knew I'd lost you and it frightened the life out of me.

It must have been my fear that did it because the next thing I knew I was yelling at you. I screamed at you that you had no right to be with Prewett, that you were mine, no one else's. I went on and on about how I'd wanted you for years, just for you to give in easily for Prewett. I lost control and lectured you on how 'decent' witches behave and then, God forgive me, I called you a whore. I still don't know why I did it. Why did I choose that word? I can't even remember calling anyone that before, so why did I start with you? I swear I could have ripped my tongue out as soon as I'd said it, but it was too late. I swear I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you.

You, quite rightly, retaliated. Over the next ten minutes you repeated everything that you'd ever called me. Then you said I was selfish and completely unconcerned about anyone else's happiness but my own. You said that I didn't care about anyone as long as I was happy. You said that you were disgusted with me and that it wouldn't bother you one bit if you never saw me again. As far as you were concerned, I no longer existed. Before I could get myself together to reply you stormed out of the Common Room.

I watched you go and I knew I'd blown it. I'd ruined even the tiny chance of us being together. I'd made you really hate me. As true as your word you didn't speak or even look at me for the rest of the sixth year...

Do you remember the 7th year? I can't remember a time before that year that I didn't want to go back to Hogwarts. I'd spent the summer trying to excuse what I'd done. I tried to persuade myself that Prewett had got what he deserved and that I'd been wrong to idolise you for years. Even as I thought it, I knew I was wrong. All Prewett had done was make me jealous by being your friend. As for you, I'd loved you for so long, I just couldn't stop. Even if I'd wanted to, I couldn't switch off how I felt. The thing that churned me up inside was that I knew I'd ruined it. You hated me because of what I'd done. The thought of seeing you again, having to face up to how much I'd hurt you, terrified me.

Do you remember when we bumped into each other on the Hogwarts Express? Perhaps it was just as well that you ignored me. I wouldn't have known what to say. I wanted to say sorry, really I did, but like the fool that I am, I just couldn't make myself say the words. Instead I settled for watching you walk away from me. At least, I thought you were walking away. I didn't realise then that fate (and Dumbledore, bless him) had decided that we'd be spending a lot of time together in the 7th year. The soft old git had gone and made us both Heads. With you, it was natural. You were well behaved, hard working, brilliant at everything you did (yes you are, don't be modest). I was lazy, arrogant, and a prankster who had spent most of my academic life in detention. I suppose I knew the magic, most of it came easily, but I can't say I worked, and if I did, it was only ever at the last minute.

When I turned up at the Prefects Carriage and announced to everyone that I was Head Boy I thought you'd collapse on the spot. You looked at me with those eyes of yours and I could see you didn't believe me. It was understandable, even I knew it. Still, you didn't argue. You weren't speaking to me so arguing was out. I wished you'd go mental at me. Anything would have been better than that silence.

The 7th year began and somehow we managed to keep things calm between us. I'd promised myself early on that I was going to be better. I couldn't stand the atmosphere between us, so I decided to prove to you that I was sorry for what I'd done. I made a start by going over to Prewett one morning at breakfast and apologising to him for threatening him like that. He looked at me as if I'd gone mad. I think he half expected me to hex him or something when he least expected it. Was I really ever as bad as that? Maybe. He accepted my apology and we shook hands. Sirius told me later that you'd watched the whole exchange with something that was nearly a smile on your face. It was a start.

You and I had patrol together as Heads. I remember the first few. They were filled with that painful, uncomfortable silence. Then, after I apologised to Prewett, you'd nod at me when we met up and nod again when we'd finished for the night. You still wouldn't speak to me. I was scared of making it worse, so I wouldn't push. In the end fate stepped in again and put us right……..

I was in the Common Room with Sirius one day when we heard a commotion in the corridor. We were just about to go and see what was going on (I was scared for a minute; I thought one of the Marauders had pulled a prank without telling me. Fancy me having to give one of my friends detention!) but then a second year came in looking frightened. She was babbling about how there had been an accident and you'd fallen down two flights of stairs. She said you were unconscious and bleeding badly and that they'd taken you to the Hospital Wing.

Sirius said after that he'd only ever seen me move faster on a broom. Even before the second year had finished speaking I was out through the portrait hole. All I could think of was that you were hurt, goodness knows how badly. I had to be with you. Everything that had happened between us suddenly didn't matter. All I cared about was being with you.

I got to the Hospital Wing and burst in. Madam Pomfrey tried to make me leave, but I wasn't having any of it, not until I knew you were all right. In the end I think she gave in because she knew I would only create a scene if she made me go. I told her about you and she told me to wait. I stood muttering to myself and pacing for what seemed like ages. Then she came back and said I could see you.

I went to your bed and I thought I'd find you awake and telling me off for being rude to Madam Pomfrey. I _wanted_ you to be like that. I wanted you to get up and have a go at me, but you didn't. What I found was you, in bed, looking pale and weak with a huge white bandage wrapped around your head, covering all of your beautiful hair, except for just a bit of your fringe. Madam Pomfrey said she'd healed most of the damage but that you had a wound she couldn't fix, so she'd had to cover it until nature took its course. You were unconscious. Madam Pomfrey said that you'd had a hard fall and your head had taken the worst of it. She said she didn't know when you would wake….or even _if_.

Oh God love, I was terrified. I'd have given anything for it to have been me in that bed, hurt like that. In the blink of an eye I'd have changed places with you. The thought that you might not wake up, that you might even…..I still can't even think that word….destroyed me. I knew I couldn't be without you. The thought of having to live the rest of my life without you was agony. I vowed that I'd lost you once, but now I was going to do everything in my power to get you back, even if it meant that you'd wake up and tell me to go to hell. I knew I'd have to take the risk if I wanted you to live, and my God Lily, I wanted you to live. I _needed_ you to live.

I spent the next five days at your bedside. For the first three I never moved at all. In the end I only moved when Pomfrey made me go and eat something and even then Sirius had to practically drag me away from you. I was able to speak to Minerva McGonagall and excuse myself from classes (she looked almost sorry for me, which worried me, I'd expected her to go mad) and I cancelled Quidditch practice…Captain's perks, see. I told Sirius to tell the team that something more important to me than Quidditch needed my attention. Sirius was amazed that I thought you more important than Quidditch…the idiot. You are more important to me than….._everything_…..

I sat by your bed day and night, scared to leave, not wanting to leave. I was frightened I suppose, scared that if I left you, just for a minute, something bad might happen. I remember thinking that as long as I was watching you, you'd be all right.

While you were unconscious I had time to think. I remembered all the times we'd argued over the years. I thought of the third year when I spent most of the time following you around. I thought of all the times I asked you out and all the times you refused me. I remembered all the stupid pranks I pulled on people every time you knocked me back. I thought of Snape and how, at least some of the time, I'd started on him first. I realised, probably for the first time in my life that all those times you called me a 'bullying arrogant toe-rag', you were absolutely right. I knew that I could never really get on with Snape, that would be asking too much, but I could at least grow up and stop provoking him.

As I watched you though, the thought wouldn't go away that I had never told you how I really feel for you. I suddenly realised that if you….if something bad happened, you'd never know that all the time I asked you out I wasn't playing around. You'd never know how serious I was about you. You'd never know I love you. So, feeling a bit stupid, after all, I didn't know if you could hear me, I decided to tell you. I sat at your side, took your hand in mine, and talked. I sat for ages, remembering out loud. I talked about when I first saw you. I talked about all the fights we had. I talked about how I felt when you refused me, even though I admitted now, I knew why. I talked about how it felt in the sixth year when we became that bit closer only for me to ruin it. I apologised for what I'd done to Prewett and for what I'd called you. I promised you then that if you'd just wake up I'd beg for forgiveness on my knees.

I looked at you as I said that, half hoping that you'd be lay with your eyes open, demanding I get on my knees and start pleading. You weren't. You were still sleeping deeply. I'd never felt more gutted in my life. Seeing you like that tore me apart. For the first time in years I put my head in my hands and, not caring if Madam Pomfrey was around, or if Sirius had popped by to check on us (he was worried sick too you know, really), I cried. It just all felt hopeless. Suddenly I could see myself in the future, a pathetic, lonely man, unable to ever be happy because the only important thing in my life had gone. I knew then that if I lost you my life would be over. I just couldn't live without you. We weren't even a couple. When the accident happened you weren't even speaking to me, but even so, I knew. I knew as clear as day, if you weren't around, in my life, I was finished. So, trying really hard to stop crying, and failing pathetically, I begged you to live. I told you that you just had to live because I needed you. I told you that I wasn't going to let you….I wasn't going to let you go and leave me alone. I told you that you had to live because I love you. I told you that I'd loved you for years, and I knew that whatever happened, I would never stop. I went on and on, telling you over and over, I love you. I only stopped when I heard a weak voice. I shut up and looked up at you again. You had your eyes open and you were whispering one word. 'James'……

I suppose it would complete the fairytale to say that once I realised you'd woken up I gathered you into my arms and kissed you until you were dizzy. As much as I felt like doing that, I resisted the temptation. I knew how good you were with wandless magic, so it wouldn't have been a wise move and also, you still looked weak and frail, not that I'd have dared tell you that. Instead I went and got Madam Pomfrey, who rushed in and flapped about you. She had the nerve to throw me out while she checked you over and then she came and told me that you were going to be all right. It was nearly enough to start me crying again! I can't tell you what a relief it was. You were alive! I rushed out and told Sirius and the others and we all did a stupid happy dance around the dorm. I felt lighter than air. Then I realised what I'd said to you. I'd told you I love you. Suddenly I felt nervous about facing you again…..

A few days after you woke up Madam Pomfrey said you were well enough to leave the Hospital Wing. I only knew when I bumped into you in the Gryffindor Common Room one lunchtime. After my admission and the tears I'd skilfully managed to avoid you, while all the time everything I'd said went around in my head. Then you were there in front of me. We talked a bit and you told me that Madam Pomfrey had said that I'd been with you for most of the time you were unconscious. You smiled at me, a heartbreaking, unbelievable, utterly genuine smile and you thanked me before you stood on tip-toes (well you are a bit shorter than me) and kissed me on the cheek.

Why did you do that? Don't you realise how hard it was to resist putting my arms around you and holding you close to me? Instead I sighed and said it was nothing. I'd have done the same for anyone, especially someone I wanted to be friends with. Yes, that's right, I, James Potter, who had loved and adored you for years, told you I wanted to be _friends_. What a complete and utter idiot! Could I get more stupid? What do you mean, 'No'?

So, we became friends. I suppose you became the fifth Marauder, minus the swearing and pranks. It was a bit like having another Moony around, without the werewolf thing, of course. In fact, that was the first big secret we let you in on, only for you to tell us you already knew. You'd known for ages. Once that was out I went completely mad and told you about us being Animagi, illegal Animagi at that. I wanted to be honest with you, share things with you, so you'd trust me and know I trusted you. Even so, I couldn't help but think you'd go mental and start yelling at us for breaking the law. I was wrong. Far from judging us, you understood we were doing it for Moony, because he needed us. Then you became fascinated by the whole process of it. You wanted to know how we learned and what it involved. For a minute I wasn't sure if the knock on your head had done you more harm than we thought, or if for some weird reason you fancied a go at it yourself (just promise that if you do, it'll be a doe. Stags and does work well together, don't you think?), but you said that you were just intrigued. Even if I say so myself, you looked impressed!

Soon we were studying for our Newts. Being friends with you seemed to have an effect on all the Marauders. Well, all right, Moony had always been a bookworm, but the rest of us? Well not that year. We all spent hours either in the library or in the Common Room studying as if our lives depended on it. You kept us at it until our brains were fit to explode. When Sirius complained you said it would be worth it when we all passed. I think he agreed really…begrudgingly.

All the time we were studying you and I were becoming closer. It crept up on me without me realising. Oh sure, Sirius said he thought he'd seen you a couple of times, watching me when you knew I wasn't looking, but I brushed him off. I couldn't dare to think that now, when I'd practically given up hope, you might have feelings for me that were deeper than friendship. It was too much to hope for. I couldn't be that lucky. Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! I _could_ be that lucky!...

All too soon the end of term, and the end of our years at Hogwarts arrived. I had a future set out in front of me. For as long as I can remember I've wanted to be an Auror. Oh, I know. It is dangerous and demanding, but that isn't why I wanted to do it….and yes, I _do_ mean that. I want to be an Auror because there are terrible things out there that have to be stopped. Our world, the magical world, is being taken over by the most rotten, depraved side of magic. I want to do my part to put it right. Oh and I know I could be in danger, but I've told you, you don't need to worry. I'm not going anywhere, not without you, and you are definitely going nowhere. I won't let you.

Anyway, as I say, this glorious future was lined up. I had good friends, the prospect of a good job and Mum and Dad were wealthy enough for me to know I would never want for anything. So why wasn't I happy? I wanted someone to share it all with….you. We were close by then, really close, but somehow I just couldn't make the move or say the words that would make things more official between us. Sirius told me I was crazy. He said that I'd wanted you for years and now it was obvious you wanted me (was it really?) so why was I messing around? I couldn't tell him I was scared. I couldn't tell him that I couldn't stand the thought that you might not feel what I feel. I knew that if you rejected me again I'd never get another chance, so I wouldn't push. In the end it wasn't me who made the move. It was you……

It was just before our last ever feast. I'd spent some time packing and seeing people I wanted to say goodbye to, mostly people from the Quidditch team and stuff. Then I sat in the Common Room with the Marauders, talking and remembering all the stupid things we'd done over the years. After a while I suddenly decided I wanted to be by myself. I can't explain it, but it was as if suddenly I realised that after that night it would all be over. We weren't kids any more, but adults with responsibilities. I made my excuses and walked into the castle grounds. I sat under the Marauders beech tree (we spent so much time under it, it felt like ours), my mind full of thoughts.

Suddenly I realised I wasn't alone. Someone was sitting beside me. I turned, half expecting to see Sirius grinning at me, but I didn't. It was you and you were watching me. I was surprised to see you, and I think I said your name, but then something happened, something so fantastic that I couldn't even think, let alone speak. You were leaning forward, edging closer to me. For a second I wondered what you were doing, but then my heart started to race and I knew. Then it happened. You kissed me. I tell you love, if I'd died there and then I'd have died happy. Without even thinking about it I put my arms around you and pulled you close to me. All the time you went on kissing me, over and over, each kiss deeper than the one before. Then your hands were in my hair and mine were running through yours and I realised that you were practically on top of me. I knew that if we didn't stop I'd never be able to and there was no way I was going to be with you like that under a tree at school. I wanted to give you everything, just like you deserve. I pulled away.

We were both a bit breathless…well, a lot breathless actually! My God woman, can you kiss or what? We both sat and stared at one another for what seemed like ages. There was so much I wanted to say to you, so much I wanted you to know, but even then the words wouldn't come. Then you moved and for one horrible minute I thought you were leaving me. I braced myself, but then you turned to me and took my hand. I looked into your eyes, your beautiful emerald eyes, and then you spoke. You said that you'd heard me that day in the Hospital Wing. You said you'd heard every word I said to you. You knew I was sorry for what happened with Prewett and you said it didn't matter any more (it does, but it wasn't the right time to argue with you then, I was enjoying holding your hand too much) and I just couldn't believe what you said then. You said you realised that I was genuine in my feelings for you and then you looked into my eyes and said some of the most beautiful words I've ever heard. 'Just for the record James Potter, I love you too'.

You said that it hadn't happened straight away. It had crept up on you slowly; it seemed that the more time you spent with me when you got out of the Hospital Wing the stronger it became. You'd realised that I was kind and caring and loyal (all your words, not mine love!) and you said I'd grown up. You said you didn't like the idea of not seeing me after Hogwarts. You said you needed to be with me, so would I have you?

I honestly think that is the only time I can ever remember you asking a stupid question. Would _I_ have _you_? Is Voldemort a psychopath? Funnily enough I didn't answer the question. I was far too busy kissing you……

From then on we were virtually inseparable. We were together when we opened the letters that told us our Newts results. We both passed all of them and we both started training for our careers, me as an Auror and you as a Healer. Sirius was convinced almost from the start that it would only be a matter of time before we were married. He was right. Six months after we left school I asked you to marry me. To my amazement you accepted.

So now it's our wedding day and I'm waiting for you. As much as I can't wait to get on with it and be with you, there's really no rush. I waited nearly seven years to be with you. I waited for days in the Hospital Wing, terrified out of my mind that I might lose you forever. I even waited for weeks when you were better, scared to make the move that might bring us together. I waited for you to do it instead and, thank God, you did. Still, none of that matters now. All that matters now is our life together, our future. I just need you to know I love you with all my heart and no matter how long I've waited it doesn't matter. I'd wait forever for you.

Just one last thing love, before you arrive. I _do_ want kids with you one day, but there's really no rush. I can wait.

The End

A/N There, I suppose it's a bit long for a one-shot, but I enjoyed writing it. As ever, if you've read this far there's only one more thing to do. Go on, review!


End file.
